Christ said, "I no longer call you servants but I call you friends for I have told you all that I do." He had taken them into his confidence. He was saying to them that the relationship between a servant and a master is not nearly as responsible, intimate, or mutual as it is with a friend. He was calling them friends. In some ways it's so much easier to be a servant of Christ than a friend of Jesus.
I think friendship is more important to men than it is to women because I think women make friends more naturally. Ben Haden, my Presbyterian pastor friend in Chattanooga, told me of a survey he saw. It was a wish list constructed by men and something like 80% of them listed "have a good friend" as their number one wish. Wives often say to me, "my husband needs a good friend." I have watched Mary Alice and her friends over the years with great interest. They love to talk, laugh, commiserate, shop and volunteer. The relational nature comes so easily for her, but not for most men. Women connect through being together; men connect through doing together. And because it doesn't come easily, I have thought a great deal about this subject. In my life there are four different levels of friendship. I think of it as a pyramid divided into four sections with a broad base and a narrow band on the top.
1) Base
At the bottom of the pyramid are friendly acquaintances — they are not friends but they are acquaintances with whom we are friendly. These may be neighbors or even people we repeatedly see in the supermarket. We speak, they speak; we smile, they smile; but there is no real connection between us. It is important to have a friendly attitude toward all because interest may develop into something deeper.
2) Level two
These are friends of a shared specific interest. We may engage with them through political activities, church or a neighborhood commitment. As long as the commonality exists we remain friends, but when the interest wanes or disappears, so does the friendship. These may feel like a deeper friendship, especially if they are caused-centered. Sometimes we have multiple cross-overs. Perhaps we have children in school together, share common political causes or exercise at the same club. These flourish for periods of time, but when life moves on we often move away from these friendships. However, we should always remember that a friendship goes dormant, but never dies.
3) Level three
These friendships have moved from shared interest to shared experiences and strong rapport. Ordinarily we make a point of spending time with these friends. We don't depend on activities to generate the friendship. For several summers we shared vacation time with friends in Beaver Creek, Colorado. Recently he wrote me and said, "I'm sorry we didn't meet fifty years ago because I think we could have been real good friends.
4) Level four
These are bonded friends. Scripture calls them "friends who sticker closer than a brother." Some of the ancient writers have called them a gift of God, and I heartily agree. These are the friends for life. Our interests have become melded and homogeneous. The cost of losing them would be higher than any cost of keeping them. I doubt that we start out to find a bonded friend but as they move up through the levels a very few move from good friends to bonded friends. As you look at the pyramid this section is small — and rightly so. You will have few who are bonded, but they are precious as gold.
A long life has given me a great opportunity to study the quality of friendship. We create a vast network of men and women who enrich our lives and allow us to positively participate in theirs, as well. I am thankful for the variety of touches, influences and interactions. Both having a friend and being a friend bring are sources of joy.
